Blog 8 – Oops I did it Again

Yip, I know I am late this week, so sorry my dearest Dizabeth readers, I have been blessed to have my kids stay, and yip, I really am using them as my excuse.  First and foremost, I need to say to all my specials both in Gauteng and KZN, a heartfelt sorry for the anxiety and truly scary moments that occurred last week. I do believe none of us could even begin to comprehend the feelings of terror – I am so sorry you had to experience that truly bizarre occurrence.

This week I am touching on some of the Dizziness of Dizabeth. How I have well and truly perfected the art of placing my foot in my mouth!  Years ago, when we still lived in Durban, it was a beautiful hot and humid typical Durban day. Being December I was on leave; we were loaning the folks in law’s car. I was tidying our house before we set off for the beach when my mom-in-law rang to ask if I could drop them off at work as their car would not start. Genius idea I reckoned; I would continue with my tidying later. Grabbing the beach towels, some beach snacks, and cold drinks and after dropping the folks at work, we headed to Sun coast beach. The boys raced into the waves with their boogie boards. I settled with my YOU Magazine (Yip, I know I hate to admit it but to this day, I am a huge YOU magazine fan, always reading and commenting, on how stupid that person was to be in such a predicament. In all honesty on the rare occasions where we have found ourselves in a bit of a dodgy situation, as in the time we depended on Shelagh to lead us to a petrol station in Cape Town and didn’t we end up in the heart of very, very, scary neighbourhood. I keep saying “Ah when people read our story in YOU they gonna say, well they certainly asked for trouble being in that neck of the woods”. Chad was with us, fear, well and truly was written all over his face). Anyhow there I was lazing on the beach, with a warm salty, hazy breeze kissing the golden sand and shimmering waters.  The beach was quite busy. Next to me was a group of varsity students. I heard them laughing and commenting on how they had now seen it all. “Ah dude no way man, that is gross! Now I have seen it all!” they chirped as they laughed raucously. It was at this particular point (I have to make mention now, it had been at least half an hour) I became aware of a rather cool breeze down below, in my nether regions. I ever so casually glanced down. Horror of horrors there in the breeze blew my fanny hairs, I kid you not!!! In my race to get to the folks, I had changed my bikini top but not my – yip, I hate to admit this, but I hadn’t put on my bikini bottom. And there I lay in my oldest holiest panties ever! I waved frantically for the boys to get out of the sea grabbed my shorts quickly covering up my flippen nether region. Now dear reader I can tell you that was the last time I ever, ever wore or even kept old panties. I swear to this day the first peep of a hole and they are tossed in the bin.  And did I bollocks the boys! Oh, my word.  How dare them not frikken notice my fanny hairs dancing in the blady breeze.

It’s at this point I need to confess that I am also quite bad at assuming – and when I assume I make an ass of you and me. We were living in Durban, when I noticed the house across the road, which was usually abuzz with a sweet little family of twins, had become unusually quiet. I actually, gosh now that I think about this, not only do I assume, but I also hone into something, and am worse than a blady dog with a bone. (At the moment the neighbours are building, jeez do I get my frikken nickers in a knot literally every blady day as I hone into the drilling). So, I honed into this usually happy family house that was always abuzz with life. Their children were no longer riding their little black bikes around the garden after one other. “Gary I am telling you there has been a tragedy across the street. The police were there earlier in the week, and have you noticed how that security company keeps popping in?” On and on I lamented. I noticed the “father” had become a lonesome, forlorn shadow of the man he was. Of late he would sit at their pool area, staring into the murky waters. “I am telling you babe, those poor parents, clearly the twins had been racing around the pool on their little black bikes when they both (both nogal!) fell in and drowned. The more Gary tried to convince me to firstly mind my own blady business and not get involved the more I harped on and on about how tragic it was. Imagine how the mom feels – losing not one but both her kids. On and on and on I bleated (as only I can). On the Saturday afternoon, we were expecting friends of ours Tracy and Chris for a braai. “That is it babe, I am going across to see if I can cook them a meal”. As we were leaving Trace and Chris arrived. “Guys make yourselves at home, pour a drink, there has been the most tragic accident across the road, these poor parents have lost their kids in a drowning, can you see how they have even hung black material over all their windows”? Clutching a beautiful bouquet of flowers with Gary literally slinking behind me, I told our friends we will be back now. Approaching the house I whispered “Oh my word, it is so sad, this man is broken  – Cooee” I bellowed to the lonesome figure. He continued sitting, totally ignoring me. Again, I called to him. Finally, he heaved his body up and walked towards me with the enthusiasm of a sloth.  “Hi, I just wanted to come across and convey our deepest apologies and ask what I can do to help in this tragic time” on and on I chatted like a busy steam engine choffing across the fields. Choo! Choo! The man stared at me; confusion blatant on his face. Slowing my tone down completely, I again conveyed I wanted to provide a meal and please could he accept these flowers in a show of our condolences. Hesitantly he reached for the flowers as he answered me.  “The family that lived here have been evicted, the sheeting is over the windows, so passers-by don’t realise the house is empty. I am the security guard taking care till new tenants move in.” Turning around to comment to Gary, I saw him grumpily marching for home. I can still hear Tracy and Chris laughing hysterically.

When Chad was in grade two, in fact when both the boys were in primary schools, I would love when they had projects for homework. Oh, my word, I would get more than involved. I remember Ryan had a project – in fact if I am honest, if they had a choice of three – wouldn’t mama bear choose what the project would be about! And no, I definitely wasn’t a Tiger mom, I have no idea why, but I would dive in feet first and do their projects. I remember on two occasions with Ryan, the first one was on Guy Fawkes, the teacher was certainly most unimpressed when Ryan finished his presentation with a cracker for each child! The second incident, he was actually in high school. They had to carve a fish out of a bar of Lifebuoy soap. Well didn’t mama bear here carve the perfect fish.  I waited each day in anticipation when I fetched Ryan to hear what mark we/I had received.  I was frikken horrified when we failed. Anyhow Dizabeth is digressing again. So, we were with Chad and he had to do a project, I remember on this occasion the teacher gave him a zebra. He mentioned he wasn’t happy and would prefer to do it on his favourite animal, the cheetah. So didn’t mama bear write and ask the teacher if we could rather swop Zebbie Zebra for the Chad the Cheetah, which she duly allowed. (No doubt she had heard about me in the staff room!) We bought the cardboard, and all the relevant goodies, I cut on the pictures. The night before if was due thank goodness for Ryan. He casually commented: “Oh did Chad change his mind? I thought he was doing his project on the cheetah”. With a note of heavy irritation in my tone I replied, “Yes boy it is on the cheetah” (sigh sigh!) to which he replied “Mom those pictures are all of a leopard”. Well didn’t I quickly grab a black koki and draw the marking on all my blady leopards of the cheetah.  I don’t recall what mark Chad received. 

A few years back, I swear for someone who spends so many hours in Kruger I do confess I should have been more ofay than I was (although, promise I am now). I was at a school assembly for work. I was interacting with the children and asked who knew what animals were part of the Big Five. One little chap raised his arm, and I enthusiastically pointed him out and encouraged him to share his answer. He shouted out the cheetah as one of the Big Five. Ah well done I cheered handing him a prize. Once assembly was over one of the teachers sidled up to me and commented. BTW the cheetah is not one of the big five. Well didn’t I want to frikken plutz!

When I was still in advertising, Trish and I worked together. One day Trish was busy, and I was behind her desk at reception when the boss’s wife a paraplegic arrived. Trish asked, since I was right there would I mind opening for Susanne. No worries I replied as I pushed the button to open the glass door. I continued photo stating with the sound of bashing and banging in the background. Trish smiled at me and asked again. “Liz, would you mind opening for Susanne” no problem I replied as I again pushed the entrance button of the glass door. It was at this point, Trish coughed loudly, and indicated with her eyes for me to look at the door. There was Suzanne trying her utmost to both push the door open whilst wheeling herself through the door. What Trish had been asking of me was to please physically go and open the door!

Then there was the time Gary had been invited to a prestigious rugby match at Durban’s rugby stadium. Now this dear reader was not as much assuming but rather after consuming copious amounts of wine that I well and truly blued. When we arrived at the pre-game we were introduced to all the team members in the company. I chitty chatted with this one and that, there were about fifteen in total. We proceeded to the Durban Country Club for lunch, again I spent the whole of this time interacting with the various team members. After lunch we made our way across the road to the stadium. It was here that Gary well and truly wished he could have crawled into the closest sewerage pipe. One of the team members was standing at the entrance to the stadium handing all of us a cushion so we wouldn’t be sitting on the cold, hard concrete. Without batting an eye I replied “Not today thanks!” I thought he was a street vendor selling his wares.

Then dear readers there was the time, Gary and I were living in a flat in 7^th Avenue on the 4^th floor. (NO lifts however we were young and stairs were not the issue they can be today!) Our neighbour from across the street had gone away and asked us to feed their cat. No worries we said. Gladly we would feed her. We had our own cat, Kayleigh. The one evening we went to feed their cat, I cannot remember exactly what transpired, but we thought the cat had escaped. After much stressing we found the said cat, it was on the corridor of the block. After the whole stress of “losing” her we decided it a better idea to let her continue her weekend with us and our beloved Kayleigh. I remember the blady cat screeching the whole night. It well and truly wasn’t happy to be having a sleep over at our house. After basically not sleeping the whole night the following morning as I exhaustedly opened our curtains I happened to glance across the street, and there in the window of our friends, was their beloved cat. We had frikken caught and captured someone else’s cat.

And these stories are a frikken drop in the ocean of bloopsies I have and continue to make being me, Dizabeth and living the Life of Dizabeth.

I wish you all a peaceful week ahead. May you be blessed, stay safe and healthy. Those of you that are in my age category remember to book your vaccine slot. Mine is this coming Thursday. Shucks must add, I was super impressed, I have booked my vaccine through our local chemist. However yesterday I received a time and date for an appointment with Dischem. How on the needle (hahaha) are they? If you under 50 go register, as far as I know you are up next.

Much love till next week.

Mwah Mwah