Blog 11 – Dizabeth & her beloved empty nests.

When my boys Ryan (30 in September) and Chad (24) were born. I was preoccupied with raising them as well as I believed was the right way. In-between stressing about life as we knew it back in the day. Finances. Dummies (Lost ones). Bottles (empty or misplaced ones). Breast (definitely not lost, just pap). Not saying “th”. Not sharing toys. Not eating enough veggies. Not eating at all. Talking too soon or not talking at all. Not growing tall enough or growing too tall. I look back now and wish I had had the older wiser Dizabeth to tell me that “it will all be fine in the end, and if it’s not fine, it’s not the end” (Thanks Zeets). Looking back, I most certainly did stress the little stuff so much more than was necessary. Instead of chillaxing and letting it be. As literally in a blink of an eye, they are living their own life. You truly have no idea what they are doing, and that in itself is a godsend. You have to believe you raised them well and besides those ‘varsity years’ all you instilled in them still shines through from the little boys they left behind to the young men they are today.  Those “just of out of school” stories I have heard – no not from them but from their friends, flat-mates, girlfriends and wife I would never have survived those nights. Had I known exactly what they were up to when partying. But thank God, He protected them, and He protected me. That’s exactly why I guess we were all (most of us) young and reckless – that’s a part of growing up, isn’t it?

Ryan and Ricky

Chad and friends at Craig’s paintball party.

As crazy as this is going to sound it’s the honest truth. When the boys were small, I don’t know what I was thinking, however I never, in my wildest years believed that they would grow up and leave home. Never in a trillion years did that cross my mind. I was let’s face it, majorally naïve. Imagine them still home today, grown men in their little boy bedrooms, with the clowns that it turned out Chad was terrified of (still is) and Ryan with his bright primary-coloured curtains that looked as if the Crayola factory had exploded on them. Banging their heads on the mobiles hanging from the ceilings. We had this huge clown hanging from the ceiling (well he wasn’t huge but ja he was a fair size) he was on a swing; I was so excited when I found and bought him. Little did I know that was probably the beginning of the nightmare for Chad and his fear of clowns. Poor little chap would wake up from a peaceful slumber and have a clown staring down at him on a swing!! (who has seen the IT movies?) Oh my giddy aunt even I am thinking WTF were we think?) digressing again, as I was saying so these young men standing on blocks of Lego and lobbing F bombs across the house – tripping over pajammies strewn on the floor. From precious, cuteness overload babies morphing into angelic (really Liz really?) little boys and onto those moody teens who obsessed over PlayStation and sport. One thing though, in all these transformations, I will always, always and forever see them as my boys, my children. I will always worry and be there no matter their ages.

From doing leopard projects that are actually cheetah projects, failing fish soap carvings to helping them pack up their bedroom as their next chapter without you commences. (Actually, that is a huge lie, I was NEVER there when they packed up their rooms and in fact, I wouldn’t allow them to “pack up” as of course they would be home again). Once Ryan completed his matric, we as a family set off to Durban. He wasn’t coming home with us when our holiday was over his next chapter would commence in Durban.  And Mama Bear here well she reckoned “she’s got this”. We traversed home and I was as fine as can be – of course I was! Phh piece of frikken apple pie I was fine! We settled into our normal new routine, well I guess Gary and Chad did. I spent all my time walking around – tidying Ryan’s room, and cooking for four. That was one thing that took me forever to master, cooking for three and then cooking for two. I can still see Gary and Chad’s unimpressed faces, Monday night whooeeee Cottage pie for dins. Tuesday night …. erh ok cottage pie it is …. Wednesday night seriously? All of you that have boys, you know you always double a meal as there is never enough, so yip I was still doubling each meal. What about going shopping and chucking in their favourite treats in the trolley as you wander aimlessly around the store. Remembering that you needn’t buy their favourite treats. But nevertheless, you did, although Chad loved that.

Chad is a natural swimmer. He really is a fantastic swimmer. He is really amazing at long distance (Midmar – so that we never ever did whilst we lived in Durban) yip…the year we moved he decided what a great idea so each year we would travel back for him to participate. Although we did all love it and it was a great visit as we would always see Ryan. So, he would have swimming everyday after school. I would drop him off and collect him later. Before we go on, I have to share this little tale. So,  Chad swam, we knew he loved swimming but really could not stand competitive swimming in any form. His coach would really push him as he was, as I stated a natural. He was never as committed as his fellow swimmers but sure enough he would scoop up all the golds in gala’s. But yes, he detested it – he stopped training eventually. When I asked, he said that Liesl had said he was such a natural he didn’t need to train. So, there was proud mama bear – my boy didn’t need to train. I mean as if …imagine if Tatiana had said that and her mama had believed her – she certainly would not be SA’s golden girl – anyhow, digressing again! So, Chad stropped training, every time I bumped into Liesl at the shops she would conveniently move to another aisle. I never thought anything of it. Until years later a friend happened to mention how Liesl had been so upset when Chad’s mom had told him to tell the coach she wasn’t interested in dropping him and fetching him from training anymore so he would not be coming anymore. Yip! That sweet child if mine actually did that. Anyhow, so funny enough this day Liesl did drop Chad off after training – hmm that was probably the day he told her this elaborate fabrication? But there was me, Chad was at training, Gary was at work and my dear Ryan was living his life in Durban – without his mama bear. I was sitting in the lounge literally wallowing in self-pity. I swear I was having a really good sobbing session. Think of the saddest movie you have ever seen. You know the way you cried when she/he died/left/cheated…… that was me. I swear I could hardly breath for sobbing. When through the front door walked Chad. Now remembering as mom’s, we all believe we are Super Mom, there was no way I was going to let Chad know just how broken-hearted I was that Ryan no longer lived at home. So, he walked in – and was “ma what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”. To which I replied, “ah my boy I am just watching this program and it is SO SO sad.” To which he very, very unconvinced replied “oh ok”. The TV was on yes. BUT the sound was down, and it was on Binnelanders (my Afrikaans is definitely not that good!)

I recall been invited to a friend’s baby shower. Oh, my word, I can remember as clear as day. Clearly, I was, besides the family members being the mom, granny and aunties, I was the oldest. Remember my oldest had already left home! So, I sat there – and just watched these young mama bears and pitied them. I swear I sat there watching them tending to their little ones, and their little ones playing up as they usually do when you want them to behave as you are in a public place. Anyhow, I recall just thinking sjoe before you know it – they are going to be all grown up and living their own lives.  And as for the little ones. I looked at them and thought – and you – you little shits are going to break your mama bear’s hearts.

So, yip, as you have gathered, I had some adjusting to make when Ryan left home. I admit I did take it badly; I was truly heart broken. Until the day I had an epiphany. I was on Facebook and there before my eyes was my dearest, oldest child at a beach party. Having an absolute ball – as he should have been. Living his life – and that dear reader was the moment I realized. Hey, he still loves you – he has stretched his wings and is enjoying his life – isn’t it time you continued with yours? You know he will always be your son but its time to start this new chapter – and so I did.

There is five and half years between Chad and Ryan. So here is a fun fact – when Gary and I got married we did engagement classes. But when we got married it was only then that I learnt that Gary didn’t want children. I was seriously a case of “WTF?? Well buddy I do want kids” anyhow if the truth be known after many, many nights of sobbing myself to sleep Gary relented and said “ok one” well that was me I was delighted. Ryan – my blady luck was a colic baby from two weeks old. Which clearly did not bode well for me – Gary would look at me with that look – he would arrive home from work not only to a very, very upset pain-filled baby but a truly high stressed-out wife! I remember the day I literally threw all the baby books – remember Dr Spock! Anyhow he maintained that Ryan was having temper tantrums – yip at two weeks that was his theory as to the daily crying. Ryan was my life for just under five years – when I decided – he really should have a sibling. And the rest, clearly is obvious as there we have 24-year-old Chad.

 Anyhow, so when Ryan left home Chad was in his latter primary school years. He went on to high school. He, I guess was an “only child”. I would take and fetch him to and from school on most days, he did the usual after-school sports, rugby on Saturdays – we continued with our family routine. Ryan would pop home for holidays. I remember with such a full heart, the day I was lying reading – yip – no prizes for guessing – it was indeed the YOU magazine. It was a wintery day, and I was lying in the sunny spare room, when Ryan rang. I was super excited “hello my angel what’s up?” he asked what I was doing, I replied I was reading to which he replied, “Don’t you want to come fetch me from Citybug”. He often would surprise us that way – it was fantastic.

Anyhow, so there was Chad. He has a fantastic bunch of friends (as does Ryan) and invariably these boys would be at our house. I used to love listening to the banter as they played PlayStation, touch rugby/spent hours in the pool. I recall the day they broke my lilo and no one would own up – now that was a bad mama day – I was furious! Those days were soon replaced with Lorraine and me being the to and fro lifts as the boys went to The Jock, or wherever the “jol” was that night. Their first crushes, their first girlfriends and their first heartbreak.

Chad waiting for his friends to arrive before they went partying note beautiful Smudge who is still with us today.

Chad played hard, but also worked hard. Soon he was in matric. Now our study is clearly visible as you drive into the property. Each day I would pull into the driveway. By now Chad had his license and drove a cute little red beetle. There Chad would be sitting studying diligently as I drove in. I would watch from my car – until the day he had written his final paper – I drove into the driveway and that young man was not sitting at his desk in the study. Reality hit me and I – yip you guessed it – I sat and balled and balled in the car. I was “that” mama again.

In the end of January Chad who had had a shoulder op after injuring his shoulder at rugby – packed up his room, and his next chapter commenced. Stellenbosch.  It’s a very long story for another day, but by now he was driving a clapped out (we never knew it was clapped out until it was too late) UNO. We packed my car (I have always refused to drive other people’s cars – I know weird woman this Dizabeth is) so Gary drove Chad’s car – as remember he had had surgery so could not drive. Off we set for Stellenbosch. For those that live in Nelspruit – you will definitely appreciate the short distance. In fact, since I have become a walker – it is probably just over 5kms from our house. So, there we were – we had entered the freeway and our journey had commenced – 5kms away from home remember. My cell rang, Chad answered it and ever so casually said “Ma dad says please can you step up the tempo just a bit we are not on a drive to the Ilanga Mall – we have a fair distance ahead of us”.  Just typing this it has sparked a memory. Lorraine’s hubby had a racetrack, you know those that’s it – go cars – is that what they called – shucks can’t recall but have a vivid memory of me circling the track. We had a Friday afternoon girls’ session – there was Bev, Lorrs, Vanessa, Wends, Chrissie and Dizabeth. Well, these girls I swear their frikken hair was blowing in the wind like a frikken tornado as they sped past dear old Dizabeth who was going ever, ever so slowly and braking each time she got anywhere close to a “dangerous” corner. That was they day I became known as “Driving Miss Daisy” – each time it was my turn to lift everyone had a genuine reason why Dizabeth could in fact catch a ride with them!

So, there we were driving Chad to Stellenbosch. He had to my utmost surprise compiled the most amazing compilation of music.  I have a great love for my music, as did my dad and as does Chad. So, we would drive along listening to some real real heavy stuff…. I actually cannot even begin to tell you the name of the singers or bands – but it would be hectic I mean really hectic songs that Chad had, “I want to …. you” with really really heavy metal type genre and the F bombs that reverberated through the car – oh my giddy aunt. I would just be thinking – yikes this is WILD – whilst Chad sat next to me with his air guitar or drum renditions – when the next song would we “I’m leaving today – New York New York”  (actually quite an apt tune considering the reason for this road trip  – well done Chad) – Frank Sinatra – The Guitar man – Billy Joel – followed by heavy metal shit – then Eric Clapton – then heavy metal – Laura Branigan – Bread, Bee Gees …heavy metal. It is to this day one of the fondest memories I embrace.  We traversed plenty that first day – in all types of weather. Chad would fall asleep and that would be when I would rewind the music to my favourites. We drove through Johannesburg where we nearly wiped out a trillion times as Miss Daisy “innocently” started moving across to the right-hand lane – very much aware of the hectic drivers behind her – but truly believing she was still driving in Nelspruit where your fellow drivers do smile and wave and let you in. I recall Chad waking to the sound of frikken thousands of hooters blaring at us “WTF ma! Are you trying to kill us?” he bellowed. The plan was to drive through to Bloemfontein and sleep the night there. Well to this day, I still am not totally sure if that really was the plan. When we got there, it was close on 6pm and didn’t Chad and Gary sidle up to me with their joint decision that we would drive on another 2 hours to Colesburg. (Think it was Colesburg) I swear I thought I was gonna plutz. Never mind the truly horrendous torrential storm we drove through soon after leaving Bloem.  Chad “encouraging” me as we whizzed through the storm (me not at all happily). I remember hitting 135kms whilst overtaking 5 trucks – yip 5 trucks with Chad chirping “Be lega ma le lega!”.

We arrived safely in Stellenbosch. The next morning bright and early we headed to the university. Now that is also a story for another day! Oh, my word it is like a whole frikken city on its own. We walked plenty that day. Chad would go to this lecture hall and that lecture hall – we would walk around in awe of my child’s new home. I spent hours kitting out his room. Oh, and sidling up to whatever lecturer I thought would hear my plight and promise me he/she would keep an eye on my dear boy and let me know the instant he appeared stressed/homesick whatever, to which none would commit – or even listen to me! The day we needed to head for home, well, yip you don’t need a whole paragraph on that! You got the jist after Ryan left home.

I have always figured it sucks as when one party is sad that their loved ones are leaving on the other side of the country/world is another party doing cartwheels as they await the arrival of said loved one. So, it still is to this day when both my boys are heading for Nellies for a visit.  

The most wonderful memories were also created, and I will be forever grateful to my present company. We would have our yearly conference; our head office is in Cape Town. So, yip, you get the picture. After conference I would head off to spend a night or two with Chad. He resided in a commune. I recall after conference, walking into his commune and immediately tidying up. I was over the moon as I was going to order Chinese takeout to which Chad maturely replied “no ma I have taken out mince” – and that night didn’t I end up cooking the frikken mince whilst he went to Fabio’s to supposedly collect his laundry – he conveniently walked in as the mince was ready.  

The first days after we deposited him in his new home. Two things stick out so vividly. The Monday morning, he phoned to ask me to phone his landlord who lived in the main house of the cottage he was renting. Please would I phone Frans and ask him to please sort out the electricity. He was on pre-paid. Yip. He did, he phoned his mama in Nellies to phone his landlord a mere 10 steps (maybe more) away from him. The second, shame this was heart breaking. It was his birthday – he woke, showered came out the shower ready to cycle to Uni – only to notice his bike wasn’t in the lounge. Turned out a “bergie” had had the frikken cheek to actually open his sliding door (nope he wasn’t a wizened young man as yet and had not locked the sliding door! After all that’s what his parentals were there for weren’t they?) and the bergie stole it. Chad sat up that whole night by his trolley he had swapped the bike for – waiting for him to return to collect his world possessions. What Chad hoped to do if he returned – God alone knows – thank God the Bergie never returned. Chad had an exhausting day at Uni after waiting up all night (hmmm well so he says …. Bets are he didn’t even go to Uni that day now that I reflect?)

So, we wind up this week’s blog, with my precious boys as I mentioned, Ryan nearing 30 with our handsomest, gorgeousest little grandson Tide who is already two, his beautiful wife my skoon dogter Michelle. And Chaddy living in Newlands with his old school friend, from way back Fabio as his flat mate and beautiful Monet his girlfriend. He is working in marketing and doing doing well for himself. So, both my boys are real gems and to be honest – they are my everything.

My pets are now my “boys” – crazy that hey. We go to braai’s now and invariably in our group of friends our dogs are with us and the stories we relate to each other are about what Bandit, Oslo or Rolo did next, what they are eating now.

I for one am truly hoping this wintery chill has plans to stay for the coming week. I truly am not looking forward to summer (and to think this woman once lay on a beach in holey underwear lapping up the dread sun!)

Please stay safe, warm and especially healthy.

Till next time that’s a wrap my lovelies.