Blog 31: I am auditioning for Survivor.

And so dear reader I am sure by having Blog 31 published it’s pretty obvious – I survived!

 Now I am not going to fib. I was quietly placating myself the whole weekend – and let me tell you it was a frikken grueling weekend – of that I will not lie! So, on Sunday as we traversed through the same blady park we had spent the whole weekend “gallivanting” through (Gallivanting : a word used to try make it sound “fun” for me dear reader!) I was placating myself with “Ok Dizabeth you have got the Tshirt – well blady done, you can tick that off your to do list.” when Gary piped up ever so enthusiastically. “Thanks babe. Wow I am so chuffed we did this together; I would hate to have done it on my own – don’t you agree?” (erm…… no frikken comment!) as the day continued he also shared that this will be the first of many adventures for the Senior Robbertze’s with regards to Kruger. Hm now I wouldn’t use the word “adventures” …. Perhaps a “moment of utter madness” suffices for me! But in saying that – yip – I will go back.

Me and my beloved Snaring duty partner! Our theme song going forward IS DEFINITELY “Babe I love you ‘ Styx. Just listen to those words dear reader it will all make sense😊

When we initially booked – we were told all the “luxury” accommodation had been scooped. We would have to camp. No dear reader – not Glamp – Camp! We don’t have a tent, so my dearest, darling husband went and bought us one it was on “special” and is a two-man tent. Now if I am to hazard a guess – the reason it was “on special” is because as a two-man tent, I think this one was made for dwarfs! No, absolutely nooooooo disrespect meant here – but frikken hell if that two-man tent is meant for average 2 “mans” well then, I will eat my frikken Sunday hat (and I don’t even have one!) Anyhow, part of the stress for the up-and-coming weekend was the fact that since Gary and I are NOT seasoned campers – we DON’T have all the bells and whistles – in fact we DON’T even have the bare necessities – so it would have been us two, our two-man tent, our two camping chairs, and one, yes dear reader – one light that we use for Load shedding! No camping table, no camping fridge, no camping mattresses, yip nada – nothing! So, it was a welcome relief when I was told they had accommodation for us. And whilst we on the subject of what we DON’T have. Both Gary and I DON’T have hiking boots/shoes! Yes, dear reader – Gary wore his heavy duty work shoes and yours truly wore her walking takkies/runners (erm nooooo Dizabeth in your case they certainly not runners – they definitely walkers!) Yes, I am aware that I was walking – but not walking as we all know it – shucks the long grass – Yikes!!! I wish you could have seen the seasoned snarers when we gathered at the assigned meeting point for the snaring expedition on Saturday morning. I am very sure Andre was dying to keep quiet, however his curiosity got the better of him and he “casually” asked if those were my shoes of choice – before he went on to explain the terrain we would be walking – my simple peach little walking shoes would certainly not suffice! BUT I am proud to say dear reader they actually did! Sure, the spear grass and other gremlin grass proved hazardous but my little peach walking trainer/takkies conquered!

Two of the cutest little creatures. Look how this caterpillar resonates a fern leaf. This chameleon was in a little bush.

So, let’s start with the Friday night. We arrived and all the snarers had gathered and were bobbing in the pool with a beer. I really was a little shy I have to admit – Oh yes dear reader you did read correctly – I was a little (lot) shy! I didn’t have to worry though – another far too over thought worry I had – were they a nice bunch? They are a fantastic bunch of people. Obviously, some stood out more than others but in general a lovely – truly fun bunch. We had so, so many good laughs. Greg in particular definitely the comedian and life of the party – his wife Sandra; also a future friend. Sandra is not a snarer just goes along to party and support Greg. (Yes, dear reader I have already pondered on this option for future ventures!) Anyhow I don’t know what the exact temperature was – but frik it was blady, blady hot – so much so that yours truly actually put her costume on – grabbed a glass of wine and joined the group in the pool (yip it was that hot!) We braaied on Friday night and hit bed early. Oh wait – ok so back to the accommodation. I was beyond delighted when I received a call from Jacques on the Thursday saying they had had a cancellation and there was a room for Gary and me. He suggested I write down the name “Langa”. Which I duly did, as I thanked the good Lord and his angels. We were saved, our little two man-er could stay home! So, we arrive Jacques comes up and introduces himself and doesn’t dearest Dizabeth after all the intro’s ask if he knows where I can find “Langa” – he had that confused look that people so often get around me when I talk! So I repeated my question in a slower,clearer tone – did he know which office I would find Langa so we could get the keys to our room? Well dear reader after me thinking he was perhaps deaf, and I should maybe try signing – it clicked! The blady room was called Langa!

Recovered snares! I know hectic isn’t it

We were assigned to a team (now this was another Overthinking moment – I was SO convinced they would split Gary and I – nope they didn’t!)  there were three teams – “wake up and meet” time was 4am! Oh yes dear reader – four-blady-am! So that was the deciding factor for Dizabeth – not her usual consumption of her alcoholic beverage but an early night instead! No wait I am exaggerating! Meeting time was 5am – so I set the alarm for 4am – remembering I needed to dress in the proper attire which would take me awhile! No, I didn’t have the “proper attire” but had packed a wide variety of maybe’s so it was a case of eliminating and choosing the correct attire! (Listen I didn’t even have hiking boots so how the heck would it make sense if I did indeed have the proper attire?) The interesting bit here – I was super proud as “Ranger” Dizabeth removed all her jewels. Why you ask, well I could imagine me being hoiked by a bush as it hoiked onto my bracelet or worse – I choked to near death as something wrapped itself around my chain and I died a slow painful death (no, at this stage I never for a minute thought of the wild animals in the park!!) and dear reader ….there were all the ladies – dripping in all their jewels, pretty nail polish AND even hair down! Yip the ones with long flowing locks weeeeelllll – yip it was all loose and blowing in the frikken wind! So, there it would seem I also over thought things!

Anyhow so off we set – Gary was the back packer guy who was banker of our waters – I didn’t even take my cell, yes that’s how serious I was dear reader! Gary and I accompanied a truly lovely guy, Martin and his lady. Well, what a delight the trip to the snaring was he is such a knowledgeable young man – really was fascinating listening (and learning from him). It was quite a distance (in a car) from where we were based, to the snaring section. What they do, the full-time rangers that are a part of Kruger, decide on which areas we will swoop. I will admit on Saturday I don’t believe (in fact I know for a fact) I didn’t realise the true implications of this exercise – it was only after the event on Sunday that I truly appreciated the implications of what we were doing. We trawled the bush for over 5kms (another over thinking moment – I was very sure we would be walking 15-20 kms per day) – with not one snare being found – which let’s face it – is a good thing! The reason apparently, as there is such an abundance of rain at the moment – the poachers cannot cross the river to set the snares! I know, don’t you just blady wish they would try and then get “swooped” down the very full and powerful, gushing river – (come on you idiots I double dare you!) – ok so the intention of this blog is to give all my readers a good laugh – so a bit of an angry digression there – sorry ☹. So we swooped the area and no snares were found – so our adventure which generally starts at 6amish and finishes at 2pmish – was over by 10am. I tried EXTREMELY hard not to show my relief as we headed back to the camp😊 We go out with assigned field rangers that are permanently in Kruger so once we were finished swooping – they need to head back to perform other duties, so cannot placate us by taking us to another area (thank goodness – but shhhhhh😊). Gary and I took the rest of the day and cruised (comfortably with our car, air conditioning and NO walking shoes) through Kruger. We had an amazing up close and personal encounter with a leopard as well as other animals. Shame we came upon five rhinos – each and every one of them had been dehorned.

Saturday night the team definitely is a little rowdier and party quite hard. Dearest Dizabeth – she quietly retreated at 8pm – granted we only had to be at the designated departure spot at 6am on Sunday but let me tell you dear reader – the last frikken thing one wants is to be tired – let alone a bit iffy after a glass too many. Oh yes Saturday afternoon we went to the Hippo dam for sundowners – although it was a bit of an “eeks” moment, it was lovely.

Dearest Dizabeth with her snare 😊

Sunday morning, we headed out as one team (there was probably about 15 of us in total) and we had two rangers with us. We trawled the bush, saw plenty of little (harmless thank goodness – actually I think they were harmless?) creatures great and small. We saw giraffe and waaaaay in the distance we were in the path of a lone Dagga boy buffalo – interesting fun fact – you don’t ever, ever want to bump into a lone buffalo but rather can you believe this one dear reader, rather hope you bump into a whole frikken herd! They will move aside for you, they will be more interested in moving right away from you, whereas a loner will rather attack. (Ah it’s a pleasure – dear Dizabeth a wealth of wildlife experience to share – erm not!) lucky for us this trip we didn’t bump into any lions or such. But it truly did get me pondering. What happened (long story short) there were two guards and us as a group – two of the team were swooping with us, right next to us for giddy sake and before you even aware they are nowhere to be seen!!) imagine that they were not with us – so no where near the gun totting guards – how seriously wrong could that have turned – but it didn’t so let’s not get dramatic now Dizabeth!

In conclusion it is bizarre to think that when we are trawling through the bush, the long grass, you truly, truly have no idea what is literally two frikken feet away from you. The thick grass alone is quite freaking scary! We came upon quite a few little patches of flattened grass – yip you guessed – an animal of some type had been laying there not too long ago! Once we also came upon some very, very, I mean probably still blady warm – elephant poop! The team relayed some stories with us. Oh, my giddy aunt – once they came upon a buffalo, once a hippo who was caught between the team and the dam! (Yip we all know the blady consequences of that!) and last month to add to that – two members were spat in the eye by Mozambican spitting cobras! Also, there you are in the long grass BUT there are also porcupine homes – which comprise of huge holes – and yip you need to look out for those, never mind the fallen branches and and and …. In fact, I was a heroine to my beloved hubby. The first – literally ten steps we took, he tripped over a fallen log hidden in between the long grass and lucky broke his fall by smashing into his beloved’s back.

And that dear readers (in a nut shell if I am honest) is the weekend of snaring. Truthfully, I am not entirely sure how much of our adventure I am able to divulge (I know I am sounding like a CIA agent aren’t I!) so I have just skirted around the long grass so to speak, this week 😊. As I already mentioned going forward, I don’t know yet if I will return to the long, scary, grass that hides humans perfectly – or stay at the camp and bond with Sandra next time.

One huge agggh about this experience. The whoooooolllle weekend we heard about the pepper ticks – on and on and oooooonnnnnnn they all went. When we got back to the room both days Gary and I did the full body inspection including the cough inspection (you know the one – you see it in the movies – when they enter a prison and are striped naked and asked to cough as they are bent over and the guard is inspecting their butt hole!) yes we found one or five ticks – Gary even woke on Monday morning to one exploring his body! BUT those pepper ticks – hmmmm they have made themselves at home on our frikken bodies! And that itch!!! On my giddy aunt. I have enquired from the other team members – who are also itching like crazy and these little blighters can reside on your body from 1 day to …….wait for it ………………….three frikken months!

And that dear readers for this week is all she wrote.

Thanks for loving my blog the way you do.

Mwah mwah