THAT GREENER GRASS!

First blog of 2024:

No one ever said it was going to be easy, in fact if I am honest with myself a trillion (huge exaggeration) of my friends and family went as far as saying “how brave we were” to which I always thought to myself with way, way too much confidence “ahh come on it isn’t any biggy”! Well dear reader I will be the first to stand up, wave my white flag and shout (in fact scream) you were right, I admit defeat! And they say Africa is not for sissies, my dear, dearest readers Africa and in particular Southern Africa is Heaven!!!

We arrived on the 6^th December, so we fresh off the boat so to speak, the first few weeks like anything new, were amazing. Beyond amazing. We were in the midst of the Christmas season and let’s face it, the UK certainly (and the USA not that I have ever been to USA) definitely can stand up and claim the bragging rights – it is magical. The lights and decorations are truly, truly unbelievable. Add to that the whole Christmas vibe, everyone you pass wearing Christmas hats and and! Yet even then, during all the beauty and magic of the Christmas season, I did have those “ah I miss all my specials back home” moments. It took quite a while before we saw our youngest son who emigrated here in April 2023. So that’s another thing, before we arrived my friend casually mentioned from Heathrow just “hop” on the train and make your way to my house in Kent. She had kindly offered for both Gary and I to bunk down with her and her sister till we were settled. At this stage I also was totally emphatic that my darling furry daughter Rosie would be right alongside us on the plane. Well, she wasn’t and although I am loath to say this – this was a Godsend. I have always been one of ‘those people’ (I have now decided, “those” people are actually rather annoying when they (me) say “ah everything happens as it is meant to, and it works out for the best”. Well let me tell you dear reader, when you are as “gatvol” as we are at this present moment; that truly is the most annoying thing anyone can ever say to you! I know right! Anyhow so as I was saying just hop on the train at Heathrow – well that was enough for me – I was beyond mortified. How the heck could she possibly be serious? Having to disembark from OR Tambo, King Shaka or Cape Town domestics is enough for me – now you are asking me not only to disembark from an “international” flight landing at blady Heathrow but now you also asking me to find my luggage, find the train station and hop on and hop off at your address! Really? Oh, the other very weird and incredibly frustrating thing this side of the world, postal codes. No, no not the postal code of Nelspruit/Durban, I mean I used to get confused was it 1200 or 1201? Box or street address!? Now it is something like this, if you reside in Oxfordshire its OX followed by three numbers which seem pretty random to me but they obviously not, as if you type in the postal code well it takes you there and then to exactly wherever it is you may be living, visiting etc., so its three numbers and then the first two letters of the suburb. I know hey! So basically, if you don’t have that code which has happened to me on more occasions that I care to recall – putting it quite bluntly you are buggered/lost/abandoned – all of the above!  So, the reason I went through all the above was to explain just how hectic it is when you ask someone to meet you at the airport. The expense alone of getting from your house to Heathrow, its unbelievable. In a nutshell people just don’t do that! Another thing especially if you reside in London, you do not – I repeat definitely do not own a car as then you need to pay and own …. yip you read correctly, own and pay for a parking!!!!! Another fun fact: If you drive an old car that tends to release far too many emissions as old cars do, wait for it – you get fined! Anyhow, so arriving at the airport in good old South Africa, you would rush to your local Chinese shop, get those welcome balloons, streamers the whole shebang and be excitedly awaiting at arrivals – not here! I swear I was bleak when we walked out of arrivals and not one familiar face or bright streamer and balloon welcomed us! So, in conclusion why I was mentioning this was its just such a mission to travel from one part of the country to the other that it took us forever to see Chad. When we did, it was truly incredible. My heart couldn’t have been fuller. We stayed with him over Christmas. He lives in Richmond (I could share the postal code, but I won’t coz then you will know EXACTLY where he lives!) which is along the Thames. No doubt because he is family – this truly was the happiest time of my new life thus far! In fact, I lived many years in South Africa after he completed his schooling with him being away from home at Stellies for years and then setting up his forever home before he emigrated in Cape Town and although, as was the case when my elder son left home after school days were done – I really suffered from empty nest syndrome – however I cannot really understand what it is here. Maybe because we in a foreign country but even though I know Chad is about an hour’s journey away from me, I tend to get quite “empty nesty” when I don’t see him for a while! I guess if I think about it – back home even though I didn’t see Ryan our eldest and his awesome wife Michelle and our two precious grandsons that often we were in our own country, and it was all still familiar and if you weren’t seeing the kids, you would still be deciding to braai over the weekend with friends. Yip, I reckon that’s what it is!

Anyhow so yip we had an amazing Christmas with Chad, and just like all over the world the festive season ended. It was time for Chad to return to his job and for Gary and myself to seek employment. Which I am very proud to say we both did. The first jobs we applied for were the jobs we got! Fabulous I hear you gasp – except in my case it wasn’t that fabulous at all!!! I thought how hard can it be, when I was offered a position as a dental receptionist I accepted! Well, I lasted two days! I kid you not!! Two frikken days! Firstly, the patients would phone in and did I take forever, if I did at all by the end of the call comprehend exactly what it was that they were trying to say! The different accents! Then they would, in detail explain exactly what the problem was with whatever blady tooth it was and expect me to diagnosis what the next movement should be! Do you need to pop in to see the dentist or should I just tell you to pop a Panado or two and call back in a week’s time! Well, you all know what a highly stressed bunny I am already so on day two after many tears in the toilet I went in and resigned, and I swear the office manager seemed more relieved than me – or was it my confidence – seems we will never know! Anyhow so because I stepped out of the working world this created a huge mission, we didn’t have sufficient funds to get our own home! Now this could be a whole new chapter just on the difficulties of getting a home. There is such a demand and that there is available – is snapped up in the blink of any eye. We then found a place so stopped searching, (for three weeks!!!) after three weeks – by now we were purchasing furniture for our new home etc we then suddenly receive an email telling us the deposit needed would be 11 540.96 pounds. I know – work that out in our South African rands! It is a definite no, so we are now in a long stay till we find our forever home, and if we don’t the long stay will chew our handful of rands, and we will literally be homeless! Ok sorry I have kind of lost the light and funny in this article hey!!! But the sad thing is – this is the reality. So, I hurriedly sorted out another job for the house hunting to continue. Guess what I am now, from administration whizz in an office with the same company in South Africa for sixteen years. Ta da!!! I am now a housekeeper! And one that in her 60’s is being bullied!!! I kid you not! The struggle out there is real dear reader. I am most definitely being taught some lifers I never, ever imagined. I was forever grateful that neither of my sons nor their sons have ever had the experience of a bully and here I am, mom and nan being bullied.

In saying that though I have excelled in many ways!!! I am the designated driver, my friend very kindly loaned us her spare car and put it under my licence, so I am only able to drive. Oh, my frikken aunt you must see Driving Miss Daisy on the highways and byways, down the VERY, VERY EXTREMELY narrow country roads – in fact as I type this, I am wondering back in the historian days were these “roads” actually foot paths and the person who first purchased a car probably Henry Ford himself mistook this path as a road!!! Couldn’t have been Henry Ford as he was American unless of course Google maps messed with him as well and he commenced his first journey in the UK instead of USA! Sheilagh and I are huge buddies, I am quite disappointed in a way as I would imagine as I commence my journey each morning by now she should be at the point where she says “Morning bestie where we going today repeatedly and then doing u turns , and then going to the next village and returning from it before you realise I was trying to explain to you that Tesc’so is only 4 miles away and not for aisles away?” Oh, and the other thing is – putting in your own diesel – well I have cracked that too!!! The first time Marcel was with me, we giggled and videoed our way through it! The second time I was alone, so far more serious. I sat in the car pumping queue and waited my turn; this was for approx. 20 minutes as I prayed so, so hard I didn’t make s fool of myself, but I cracked it!! I noted the amount and what pump I was at and confidentially started my engine and moved the car to the parking outside the shop so I could go in and pay. It was at this instant I noticed strangers staring at me – making little notes of what I was wearing, what colour my hair was and of course my number plate! Until one lady nervously walked towards me and asked what I was doing. I explained I filled my car, moved it to the parking lot so other clients could fill their car and then was going in to pay. No, no that’s not how it is done here, you leave your car, go pay and then move your car! I mean really, how completely irritating and time delaying is that – but next time I shall do what is required even though we will all be late for work and such!

If at any given moment Rishi Sunak had to ask my humble opinion on things I would change in the country! It would have to be – lets tidy the freeways once a week! It is mortifying to drive along the freeways and byways yes, its green field upon field of beauty and greenery – yes even in the winter – but my soul the carcasses along the side of the road! Shucks man, little foxes, badgers, big and small deers – each journey is like watching an episode of American Horror Story I kid you not! It’s bizarre and totally upsetting and I am an adult – Imagine the trauma a little kid goes through as their parent whisks them by these cute dead and rotting little creatures swear this is a true WTF moment!!!! Add to that – I reckon the black crow should be the UK’s national bird – they are swarming everywhere as they screech and cackle like the witches from Macbeth!          

If, let’s just say Rishi appreciated my idea re tidying the carcasses off the freeways and asked me for another handy hint how we could change the country I would say PLUGS! No one washes their dishes with the plug in!! when you ask, they say there is no need there is plenty of water out there! Which there is but my giddy aunt I just think of us with water restrictions and the harsh desolate droughts that occur and that’s only in South Africa, what about the remainder of Africa. All this water flowing down the drain just to rinse a cup! Makes absobladalutely no sense to me!

On the work front I have a whole new respect for Patricia my cleaning lady in South Africa. I used to hear her bash the vacuum cleaner and cringe and think to myself as I rolled my eyes and sighed inwardly “Can’t you just watch the blady furniture?” – as an ‘experienced’ housekeeper NO you cant!!! The blady furniture gets in the way of the vacuum cleaner and you do bash into it!!

I also would love to know, have I lost or gained weight? This is debateable as right now I am majorly stressed but to curb that stress yours truly is devouring jugs of wine each night which we all know tends to make one weighty! BUT each day I am making beds, cleaning loos, polishing furniture stripping beds, hoovering and bashing into the polished furniture!

Another experience I shall share with you my dearest readers is transport! The trains and the busses Gary has grasped willingly, me hmmm not so much. Yes, I think they fun but when you got a heavy, heavy (beyond heavy) suitcase you need to lug up two flights of stairs all on your own and with many rushed and stressed fellow passengers trying to get past you – its quite stressful. Then we had the experience of harsh winds and a tree fell on the railway line, the train ran over it – this caused the train journey to come to an abrupt end. The train journey was cancelled, not their issue apparently. We ended up getting home that night at some ungodly hour at an exorbitant cost as we had to taxi it home!! So, is this the land of Milk and honey?  Am I living the dream? Not yet, but I do recall my son and Gary on one of my trillion moments when I have been sobbing and sobbingly said “I hate it here” they have replied “Remember how you felt the first time you arrived in Nelspruit – and look how that turned out for you?” – To fill you in those that are not aware, we arrived in Nelspruit from Durban and I sobbed , the the day we left as I was relocated for work I sobbed and sobbed. I will forever have a very, very special place in my heart for dearest Nelspruit!

My last funny experience I will share with you, I was in a Supermarket and looked everywhere and no where could I find a bag of ice so I asked a shop assistant: “Sorry where could I find your ice?”. This guy stared at me like I had lost my mind and asked me to repeat myself. So, I did then realising he still cannot comprehend, I changed my wording to “Where would I find a packet of ice?” he looked at me and burst out laughing and he said, “Mame I thought you were asking where is my arse!”

And that dear reader is all she wrote.

Till next time take care, stay well.

Much much love always

PS: I need to explain the reason I mentioned it is a Godsend that our precious Rosie didn’t come on the plane with us, and is still in SA thanks Ryan and Michelle for looking after her, we are currently living in a long stay. We have no idea where or when we will find our first home. But rest assured the day we get handed our front door keys will be the same day Rosie will be flying across the seas to join her mom and dad. Please dearest readers hold thumbs this day is sooner than soon.